Do you really need another Chase Sapphire Reserve Review? Don’t you already know how fabulous, incredible, magnificent (insert an adjective of your choice here) this card is? Don’t you know that it’s a great moneymaker despite the cruel $450 fee, that it has a great trip protection coverage; hell, you do know how it’s the greatest thing in the universe since the thinly sliced bread, so what is there to talk about, right?

Well, not so fast. I’ve embarked on a dark and dangerous mission to prove you wrong. In just a couple of minutes you will know how much the CSR sucks. Read it and all your sorrows of having been denied for being too much of a player in the last 24 months will fly away. Consider it a free therapy, if you must.

REVENGE!

After reading Reddit, Flyertalk and some blog comments about how some fellows just like me had slipped through the cracks, I decided to go ahead and apply for the CSR despite being WELL OVER 4/24  and non-surprisingly got shot down. My reconsideration calls #1 and #2 were denied, and so I decided to play the Frequent Miler’s card (pun intended) and tell them I needed the card because I review and write about credit cards (which, by the way, is totally true and beyond my own blog). The agent said he wouldn’t be able to overturn the denial, but that a member of their resolution team would give me a call within 48 hours. True to his word, a couple days later I received the call. Unfortunately, it was only to confirm the denial. It didn’t really matter what I said.

So here is my revenge, Chase. Now everyone will know how much you suck, so every high net worth individual you’re craving so much will read about your suckiness and refrain from applying. Right?

No really, right?

Chase Sapphire Reserve Review: Annual Travel Credit

You’re saying a $300 a year travel credit is great because it covers all travel expenses and not only airlines? Because it covers such things as public transportation and even tolls and parking? Ha! You know what it doesn’t cover? Vacation rentals! And tourist attractions. And on-flight Wi-Fi, and on-board cruise Wi-Fi, and in terms of the latter — do you have any idea how much this damn thing cost??? A friend of mine paid $500 for a lousy and flaky connection that excluded streaming! Note to self: cruises suck too!

Chase Sapphire Reserve Review: Point Earning

You’re saying 3X on travel is great? Ha! You know who else gives you 3X on travel? Citi ThankYou Premier. That’s right, that awkward, wrong-side-of-the-road card designed to make the life of poor cashiers a living hell, is doing one thing right. Not only does it come up with 3X on travel, but it also includes vacation rentals and gas! Gas, Chase! And while we’re at it, do you know that a no-annual-fee DiscoverIt gives 3X on everything to everyone? Yeh, like candy? Now, what do you have to say for yourself?

Chase Sapphire Reserve Review: Visa Infinite

Infinite-Shminfenite! What have you got? Global Entry credit? Ha! Who doesn’t? Luxury Hotels and Resorts? Get in line! Concierge and car rental perks? Ditto! Tell me though — where is the Visa $100 discount for booking 2+ domestic airline tickets? Huh? Huh?

Chase Sapphire Reserve Review: Priority Pass Select

Seriously here! I know you will most likely cover guests, but why being so tight-lipped about it? Do you have something to hide? Are you trying to make us your lucky cardholders shell out $75 for the authorized user membership, which, apparently, doesn’t have any other value then free access to airport clubs? Or are you seriously trying to emulate stingy AMEX that won’t pick up the tab for your cardholders’ guests? Sure, go ahead, tell everyone that your super-duper concoction is just like Amex Platinum. 🙄

Chase Sapphire Reserve Review: Travel Protection 

Yeah, I’ve got it. You think, just because you cover Trip Delay, you’re some kind of a big shot? Ha! Who doesn’t have Trip Delay insurance — well, I’ll tell you who: AMEX doesn’t. But Citi does, and does better than you. Citi Prestige covers a 3-hour delay vs your 6 hours; it covers the trip from the very beginning vs “away from home;” and it covers lost or stolen airline tickets plus natural disasters — correct me if I’m wrong, Chase, but didn’t you deny claims resulting from the Iceland volcano eruption in 2010? Seriously?

Chase Sapphire Reserve Review: Hotel Elite Status

What, Club 5C at Relais & Chateaux? Ha! What on earth is Relais & Chateaux? Who has ever heard of Relais & Chateaux? Even Wikipedia doesn’t know about Relais & Chateaux — OK, that’s not true, but seriously, how can you compare that loosely associated “fellowship” with the dearest chains we love to hate so much — our Hilton, our Marriott, our SPG, or our Hyatt? Because, do you know how much I would need to pay to have a breakfast and access to Hilton lounge? $75 a year for “Gold” with AMEX Hilton Surpass. And what do I get at Relais & Chateaux after, mind you, 2 paid stays? An upgrade (maybe) and a box of chocolate (maybe) because every individual hotel in that “fellowship” decides on its own how to make me your lucky cardholders happy. Yeah, right!

On a Serious and Personal Note …

I hate denials, and I have rarely had one that I wouldn’t have been able to overturn, but I’m going to cut my losses here. 3 tries kind of does it for me (since I do have life, you know, well, I think … ). It was worth the try even with low chances for success, because seriously, folks, this is a phenomenal card, probably worth having beyond the first year. Although, you and I know that beyond the first year they will mostly likely cut down on the benefits. Remember the Citi Prestige circa 2015?

On a serious note, I believe it was a mistake to apply the 5/24 rule to this new $450 product. Although I have no way to prove it, there is no doubt in my mind their “leaked” application link two weeks ago was intentional, and they just tested how well the market would accept it. It’s just they got the message wrong. Since they had been overwhelmed with the response, they decided it was safe to cut out the “gamers.” Little did they realize that those who managed to apply during that short window were not only gamers, but the gamers, perhaps most vicious or at least the fastest of the pack.

Which, alas, does not include yours truly.   😥